“You’re like a knight in a suit of armor and from far away it looks all shiny and perfect. But when you get close, you see that it’s filled with cracks.”
 
I remember those words from college. A friend of mine (Tom Rhyne) said them to me the summer after my Junior year. I’ve carried those words with me for 18 years and counting.

At the time I took it as a disappointment. As a reflection of the fact that I had flaws, which I shouldn’t have. That I should be better, that I should work harder to be perfect and work harder at eliminating those flaws—of which I had and do still have many. I used that as motivation to strive harder, to push myself through rough times and keep on going in an attempt to be better.

I’ve also used it as an excuse to push people away and to bury stuff inside. Because it was more important to me that people saw the shiny armor rather than the cracks. Because—I believed—that’s what they needed or what they wanted to see. That was a form of strength. That was being a rock that people could cling to. That was being inspiration that helped others strive forward. That was being something that was helpful to others.

I frequently have debates with myself about admitting any form of weakness, even to my closest friends. It feels like burdening. It feels like putting stress on them. Their problems come first and it is more important that they know they have something they can cling to. Not to mention that our society strongly instills in us this desire to be independent, to be strong, that so many things are a weakness and that weakness is bad. In short, you always need to be “on”.

And I believe that gets magnified especially with social media. There is this desire to always post the good, the smart, the engaging, the uplifting. It is a case of putting your best foot forward and making sure that you are recognized for the awesome person you are.

It’s not quite an illusion. It isn’t a lie. You are still this person. It just isn’t the whole picture. It isn’t everything. There are parts that are buried that are hidden. But that doesn’t make it untrue. And on some days, it very much is true. On other days, you just gloss over the ugly bits.

Because I am familiar with this, I try very hard to be aware of it with others. Often times—not always—the people who are smiling the most, who are doing the most, who are never showing a negative side; they carry scars and chinks in their armor that they aren’t comfortable with showing. I deliberately try to look for those chinks, not to just gloss over them like it is so easy and so common to do. I make a concentrated effort to do this because they must be there. Maybe I do it because I want to be reassured that I’m not failing as much as I feel I am with my own flaws? Entirely possible that is the selfish motivation.

But here’s the key. Seeing them is important, but don’t call attention to them. I’ve learned that not everyone likes light shined on those imperfections. Some people do. Some will appreciate it and thank you for it. But for some, it will just be driving a knife into that opening. It’s different for each person, I think. And even then, it can be different for every flaw.

But I think by being aware of them, by looking for them, and realizing that they are there, I think that is important and a way to support those “knights in shining armor”. Because even rocks need a foundation to stand upon, and it doesn’t matter how big a rock is when waves keep crashing against it.

Erosion still happens.

Now that I have been back for a while from Iceland, I decided it was well past time to post an update about the adventures we had there. I uploaded all of the pictures (at least the ones I thought worth sharing) to my Facebook page, but provided very little details on the pictures themselves. I wanted to share some of the stories as well, which should come as no surprise to pretty much anyone reading this post.

For those who weren't aware, the trip to Iceland was in celebration for Sheena and Todd's wedding. We arrived two days before the ceremony, planning on doing some exploring and activities around the hotel. We left Seattle early in the morning and landed in Iceland at about 2300 local time. In the SeaTac airport, I debated whether or not to check my bag. I normally carry it on - I hate checking bags. But, it was a direct flight, we were already checking one bag, and it was free. So, I thought "what could happen?" and checked my bag. At least now I wouldn't need to worry about finding space for it on the plane.

We landed and went to the baggage claim, only to find that my bag wasn't there. There was another section for "unusually shaped bags", so we spent about 30 minutes going back and forth between the two baggage claim areas, but nothing showed up. When I went to report my bag missing, I was told I had to wait an hour before they could do anything. After waiting an hour, I filled out a report, and they said that it was probably not put on the plane and that they would put it on the first flight the next day. So, I should have it shortly. On the plus side, they did volunteer to drive it to the hotel. However, I had to go through a special customs line because my bag was lost where I was grilled about everything that was in it, down to the most minute detail. All because my bag was lost. Then we stood outside in the very cold temperature (my jacket and my pants were in my missing bag - I wore shorts on the plane) in an empty parking lot, waiting for a bus to take us to the car rental place. When we finally got there, the car company had no record of our reservation! Luckily, they had enough cars that it wasn't a problem, but at this point, at one in the morning, it was not looking good for our trip.

That first day we stayed in a fairly small radius, taking detours wherever we found one. There was a lot of small hiking down trails and up hills where we would just pull up to the side of the road and climb out of the car. I was amazed at how many horses there were everywhere. Most of the areas seemed fenced off, but there were still a lot of places open to exploring. Including climbing down into a sinkhole. In my defense, I didn't know it was a sinkhole at the time. We didn't find that out until much later that night when we had dinner with other friends there for the wedding.

Later in our trip, we would get an opportunity to ride some, but for right now we had to settle for the show and being able to tour the stables. I also learned that the Icelandic horse has a gait that no other horse has: the tolt. It is a very steady gait and is characterized by always having one hoof on the ground.

The next day was the wedding day, and that was a gigantic bustle of activity. Even just listing all of the activities would take a lot of time to write out! Sheena and Todd had a very energetic and enthusiastic wedding planner who made sure we were always keeping to a very intense itinerary. It was great to see so many different places in such a short amount of time, and not have to do any of the driving! We started with the wedding itself which was held in this lava tube that stretches for several kilometers. The cave was mystical and rocky, and quite literally breathtaking. When the ceremony was over, I climbed through to the dark areas in the back, and with the mist and fog, it really looked like a dragon cave.

From there, the whirlwind commenced and we went to black sand beach, an old fisherman's hut, a lighthouse, Thingvellir National Park, and more. The park was amazing because it is literally where two tectonic plates meet. It is a very popular tourist spot and was expectedly crowded, but it was well worth visiting. Just being there is a little bit humbling and awe inspiring.

After our full day of touring and activities, there was the reception with some amazing food. I do think that it is worth mentioning that the food we had in Iceland was fantastic. There was not a bad meal that we had during our entire stay. However, it was also incredibly expensive compared to what I am used to paying back here in the States. It is not surprising, considering how much needs to be imported to Iceland, but it was still a bit of a shock that took some getting used to.

The next day, we bid adieu to our friends and toured Iceland on our own, heading along the south coast all the way to Vik and then a bit further. One of our first stops was a geothermal plant that we wanted to tour. It is fascinating to think of how much of Iceland's energy and heat comes from sources like geothermal energy. Apparently, all of the hot water in Reykjavik is supplied from the plant we toured, and even though it is transferred long distances, it only loses two degrees during it's journey. The inner science geek in me had a field day at the plant, seeing how it all works and then picking up some flavored salts to use once we got back home. Seriously - I was recently introduced to flavored salts, and they are amazing. I used some smoked birch salt in meatballs last night, and it provides just a nice little touch of smokey flavor. This is a new thing in my culinary repository and I cannot recommend it enough. But I digress.

From there we continued our theme of driving along and stopping at any place that seemed interesting. One thing that we noticed is that it is very clear why a lot of filming is popular in Iceland. The terrain is so varied, and in such a small area! You can go from hot springs, to a beach, to a rocky wasteland, to lush fields in a matter of minutes. Heck, on one single day we walked through a rocky flat wasteland (more on that in a moment), toured a beach, hiked a mountain, climbed to the top of a waterfall, walked in a glacier, and spent some time in some green pasture fields. And that day wasn't even rushed or had the most driving in it!

Speaking of that wasteland...

We were driving along when I saw that we could get to the ocean just be hiking across a flat field. So we pulled over to the side of the road and decided to start the trek to the ocean. I didn't think it would take that long, only a few minutes since it didn't look like it was that far. About two hours later, I learned some very valuable lessons. First, I cannot measure distances accurately across level ground. While I have been in the wilderness a fair amount in the forest and in the mountains, open plains is a whole different kind of wilderness. In D&D terms, I understand why you need to specialize your wilderness survival with specific terrain types. Secondly, I saw how feasible it was for people to have walked across long distances in the desert or in fields, always thinking they just had a bit further to go, and then collapsing from exhaustion. Lesson learned. Flat wasteland is worse than I thought!

We saw several more mountains, walked around a few other waterfalls, and yes, even did manage to hike onto a glacier. We didn't go too far down that road, because it required ice climbing gear we were not equipped with, but we wanted to at least walk on the glacier to say we did it. How often do you get to say that? Especially when earlier that day you were walking and playing in the ocean?

The next big event we had was horseback riding, and that was a treat. I was astounded at how small the horses were, and how hairy. Yes, I realize that sounds odd, but it is true. They even had long hairs coming out of their nose and all around their eyes. It makes sense considering their climate, but it was still very different from what I was used to. And even more surprising, this was their summer coat. It was thicker than most winter coats I know on horses from around here! Again, it makes perfect sense, but it was a noticeable oddity.

My faithful steed for the day was Brunni, who was the largest of the horses out there and had this "I can do it, I want to be in front!" attitude the entire time. I spent most of the entire ride convincing him that he wasn't allowed to pass the guide. Needless to say, probably a good match for me - or a horrible match depending on your point of view. I would frequently try to keep him at the back of the ride, but that would last for no more than five minutes before he was trying to shoulder his way to the front.

I did have a chance to ride the tolt, and I have to say, it is incredibly smooth! At first it was make me very tired in the core because I was trying to move along and force myself to sit it. But once I relaxed into the gait and kept my core loose, everything just clicked together and flowed smoothly. It is a fast pace too! Those horses can cover an amazing amount of ground, especially over rocky terrain that would normally make me terrified of a horse injury. Wonderful animals, and definitely one of the best things of the trip.

After that, we had a couple of days of quiet exploring, including a brief retreat to a spa and gym, where I did in fact go swimming in an outdoor pool in Iceland. I don't know why, but it made me happy to do that especially since it wasn't a hot spring. We were going to go to Blue Lagoon, but had to change our plans because it was the one thing we didn't schedule ahead of time and it is so popular that you need to do so. In retrospect, it is also very expensive, so perhaps it was best that we did not go.

We also went to go see some old volcanoes and hiked around some hot springs - not the kind for swimming in. In fact, they had warning signs about how your shoes could melt if you walked off the path. They also had some very interesting plaques about local myths and folklore regarding the steam vents that were good to read and very inspiring. It definitely was a trip that was good for writing purposes as well as just general relaxation.

Our way back was luckily uneventful and all of the baggage arrived. However, it did take almost two hours to get through customs on this side, something that I was not expecting. And for the record, once you leave the plane, there are no bathrooms until you have finished with customs. Just something you might want to be aware of for your own travels. It was a wonderful trip, and so much more happened, but much more than I could ever get in a single blog post. Well worth it, and energizing on multiple levels.

Yesterday while I was on the way to practice for the Seattle Knights, I started having an asthma attack. It was at this point, several minutes from home, that I realized I left my inhaler behind and did not have it with me. This is not unusual; I do not need my inhaler often. I’ve had asthma my whole life and have learned both how it affects me and how to manage it. I know that if I stay calm, and avoid engaging in strenuous physical activity, I can get through it. I might have more than my fair share of coughing fits, but as long as I focus on breathing and stay relaxed, it will go away. My asthma is exercise-induced. Since I was going to be sitting the car driving for at least twenty more minutes, this was not going to be a problem. I did exactly as I had taught myself to do, staying calm and taking the deepest breaths I could manage. By the time that I got to the armory, my breathing was back to normal and I could once again fill my lungs to capacity.
 
This incident brought up a memory from when I was training in a dojo several years ago. I was sparring and I noticed that my asthma was starting to trigger. I told the instructor that I needed to sit down and catch my breath. When he came over to ask me about it, I explained that I was having an asthma attack and that I needed to sit and not be active for a while in order to get my breathing under control. I wanted to make sure he knew that I wasn’t just taking a break, that I honestly couldn’t breathe. He asked if I needed my inhaler and I shook my head explaining that as long as I sat still, I would get it under control. His response surprised me.
 
“I always thought asthma was like that. You can get through it if you’re strong enough mentally.”
 
Because of his experience with me on that day, I am confident that I cemented his opinion on what asthma is. He had a preconceived notion (or perhaps it was based on experience, I do not know), and I served as another case to verify that definition. I think we as human beings like to define things solidly. We like to make a clear definition of what something is. It either IS something, or it IS NOT something. It is asthma or not, black or white. But here’s the thing – it isn’t black and white. It is not a binary decision, no matter how much we want it to be because of our natures.
 
I can get through most of my asthma attacks by sheer power of mental will. However, that is just my case. I know other people with asthma who are not quite so lucky and no sheer power of mental will alone will get them through an attack. Yes, I have asthma, but I do not have it in the same way or as strongly as others. It is not a bitwise decision; it is a greyscale one that has different degrees of severity. You cannot assume that someone else can easily overcome their asthma just because I can get through most of my attacks with a calm mind and focus.
 
And I think it is important to realize that this goes a step further. As I said, it is in our nature to want to define things and create bitwise categorizations. It is either A or B, yes or no, black or white. But that is often not the case. It should be no stretch of the imagination to think that this goes beyond the physical and treads into the category of mental state.
 
I have friends who are depressed to varying states. I have people in my life who have PTSD for different reasons and to different degrees. They respond to their triggers and pain differently. This is not a bitwise condition. Not all depression is the same. It is a greyscale. Just because one person can climb out of the mental hole they have fallen into does not mean another person can do it in the same way. It does not always look the same, and it is a mistake to assume it does.
 
I have seen people say that “So-and-so can’t be depressed, they don’t do X, Y, or Z.” That is a case of assigning your definition of depression to someone, something that falls into the bitwise trap I was mentioning before. Just because someone doesn’t fit your definition doesn’t mean that you have the authority to say whether or not they are depressed. It doesn’t matter if you know someone who is – heck, it doesn’t matter if you know ten people who are. Different people feel things to different degrees and it is not just a simple switch.
 
And here’s the thing. I also know people fall into that same trap when talking about themselves. “I can’t be depressed, I don’t do X, Y, or Z.” This is the exact same trap, just projecting it on yourself rather than someone else.
 
Remember, just because I have asthma and can breathe, doesn’t mean everyone else with asthma can. Or perhaps more pertinently: just because someone with asthma can’t breathe without an inhaler, doesn’t invalidate my asthma.